Fundraising

TO: My Loyal Supporters

FROM: The campaign of Tep Tim

SUBJECT: You Really F**ked Me This Time

Hey there,

It’s Tep Tim again. You understand how disappointed I am to be writing this email. In fact, the very fact of writing it has made me physically ill…(I just threw up. OK back again.) Even someone as stupid as you can probably guess why I’m writing this. That’s right, our opponent has outspent us again. Click here to see a picture.

Oops, wrong picture. Makes you think, though, doesn’t it? Click here instead.

Does this make you feel sick? I think I’m going to puke again. (I just did)...OK back again.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life: Slop a**, **** stick, **** licker, closet door *****. But one thing I’ve never been called is the loser of this exact specific race that’s hapening right now, because it hasn’t happened yet. And that’s not about to change.

But if we don’t get money, you could have Darby Motherf****** Sullivan and his best friend the goose in the Mayor’s Office this November. Uh oh, here I go again (HUUUUUUURGH) OK back again. I think it must be something I ate. I’m actually feeling much better. I was able to keep a few saltines down. I think if I just sleep it off I’ll be good.

Hey I’m back. It’s the next day. I feel much better. I definitely think it was something I ate. I’m not allowed in Danny Marco’s anymore so I have to make do with what they toss out. A lot of the food is perfectly good and doesn’t have bites taken out of it but I guess there’s now telling what happens in that dumpster.

My opponent is outspending us 10-to-1, and his policies are as rank as the bottom of this dumpster that I’m emailing you from. What can I say, “I just can’t quit you!” (That’s me, to the dumpster. Citation: Broke Back Mountain)

Not unlike Ang Lee’s movie Life of Pi, we have bankrupted our largest contributor. (Speaking of Life of Pi, imagine: the boy and the tiger except it’s Darby and the Goose 😳 ) Yum yum yum oops I didn’t know I was typing that, I was saying it out loud while I ate more of this parmigiano, I was typing it while I was saying it hahaha

If you want a Hulk in the office this year, not a crouching Goose with a Hidden Darby, go to your piggy bank and Broke its Back because we need your coins today!

NEW EMAIL

I hit send by accident. I don’t have that much more to say but I didn't want it to end without saying goodbye. Remember who it is who is your mayor and who gave to you all the things that you the most like but beyond that and also inside it remember in your heart who is the real mayor and who you want ot be and not Darby Sullivan.

Remember, if there’s anything in this town you like, I gave it to you, and if there’s anything you don’t like, it’s because I haven’t been re-elected yet.

EVERY MAN A KING

K see ya. Not feeling so hot. Gotta chug more pepto.

Until next time.

Love,

Tep Tim

Xxxx

(I puked again)